Date: 28/05/13 - 10:01 pm Title: The Horror, the Horror
I was a bit shocked at the combination of gore and clop. But, overall, good story. Plot was good (No pun intended.), characters were developed very well.
Two questions, though.
1. How exactly did you come up with the name for the Lily transformation? Is it a real thing?
2. Will there be a sequel, somehow Rose escaping?That would really amp up the storyline.
Date: 15/07/12 - 09:48 am Title: The Horror, the Horror
Fantastic! although I'm wondering about Braeburn, each time she becomes pregnant and Braeburn stops being drugged, does he remember that its happened multiple times before etc? or is it brand new info to him each time?
Date: 11/08/11 - 05:18 am Title: The Horror, the Horror
'sigh'. When will people every learn that this stuff isn't scary? I applaud you because you used good descriptive language, but seriously, this is just disgusting. It's one thing to be disturbing and scary at the same time, but this is just disgusting. I think the whole "livestock" thing is a great concept. But it's ruined, not by the fact that she eats the babies, that's good, or by the fact that the pony that raped her has a "normal" side, also good, but by the fact that it seems that you just through a bunch of potentially good concepts here, and then just made it as disturbing as possible.
How to improve?
First of all, don't be as descriptive with the rape scenes. i don't mean just say "she was raped" and get on with it. But don't use body parts. Clop fics and horror fics are two seperate genres, and it really turns off the reader when you put "forcing his penis into her pussy" in the middle of a horror fic. Describe how she feels, not what's happening.
Two: Expand the last paragraph a bit more. The last line is great. The lines leading up to it seem rushed. Go into detail more about how her life is meaningless now. Maybe say that she tried to kill herself, but faced consequences when she was caught.
Third: Put in some more suspense in between "scenes" right now there is now time for the reader to grasp what just happened, and instead of scaring them, it just makes them go "Really dude, you're going to put that in there? Seriously that too? This is stupid (rates low)."
Finally: Expand on the beginning. There is absolutely no setup to this story. Maybe add a scene in which there is a previous night when Lily makes one of those excuses. It will bring the readers attention in much more.
I think this does an ok job at being disturbing, but scary? Not so much. Horror is more than just blood, guts and rape. Once you (or anyone else on this sight for that matter) get that, then you can use that stuff. But if it's littered throughout the entire story, the suspense is gone and the reader shuts down and isn't scared anymore.